That’s a funny question for a 40 year old man to ask himself, but that is what I seem to be asking myself as I look forward to graduating with my associate’s degree this Spring.
I am looking into something that would require a really big life change. I am talking it over with my wife, but right now she seems to be ambivalent about it. We’ll see.
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You are never dedicated to something you have complete confidence in. No one is fanatically shouting that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. They know it is going to rise tomorrow. When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious dogmas or goals, it’s always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt.
- Robert M. Pirsig - Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values
Fanatics talk a lot. They want to believe. They want to assure themselves that they are right. They usually don’t let others get a word in edgewise, for fear of hearing an opposing viewpoint.
Robert Pirsig put into words what I have been thinking for a while now. People who talk about their faith all the time don’t really have faith. People who often talk about their idealistic political beliefs are trying to convince themselves.
At a U2 concert 15 years ago, five simple words popped up on the video screen at the end of a song:
“Everything you know is wrong.”
They remained there for several seconds; I let them sink in; I gave in to the possibility that those words may be true. When I start to sound like a fanatic, I remember those words.
Wow, snow is gently falling outside and it is really pretty. I moved to the living room so I can watch it as I type this. It gives me a good feeling to sit here next to the window in my warm house with my cozy PowerBook watching the flakes fall.
In other news, my internal clock is really flipped. I was sick a couple of weeks ago and right after I got sick, I quit my job. I was about to quit anyways, so I decided to quit then because was easier than calling in sick every day and then quitting.
So I stayed in bed for a week. I would get up to try to eat around noon and then go to the office at Belly Acres for a few hours because I was bored from laying around sick all day and night. I think I had a severe cold because I was hurting and sneezy and ran a fever.
So I have been struggling to get my internal back on track, but I am also challenged by my Romanian studies. I try to get up in the morning to study, but usually I end up studying at night and keep going until 3 or 4 in the morning. Then I wake up at 10 or 11 and study a bit more and then eat and go to the office in the afternoons.
Saturday I was struggling to find a place to study, so I decided to go to my favorite local coffee shop and study there. I get there and find a table and after I got settled in, I quickly downed my first cup of coffee. It was nice to enjoy something warm on a cold day (it was 8ยบ outside) so I ordered a refill. I was able to get a lot of work done, I ordered another refill. Then I ordered an apple soda and kept working for a while and I decided to leave around 9.
I got home and I realized I was really wired. While I was working at Neiman Marcus, I would have two cups of coffee in the morning and two in the evening and have no trouble sleeping at night because I had built up a high tolerance for caffeine. When I got sick, I didn’t drink any coffee for over a week and I realize now that besides a diet Pepsi and a cup of coco each day, I haven’t been drinking too many caffeinated beverages. It is amazing how my tolerance fell so quickly.
I was up most of the night and I ended up sleeping all day. Now I am sitting here at 4 am and I haven’t been to bed yet. At least the snow is pretty.
I had a dream one night about a tree that I passed by everyday. I never really noticed it too much until I saw apples growing on it, then I picked one and bit into it. It was the sweetest apple I have ever had!
I had this dream this past summer when I was in the middle of making some life changing decisions. I have interpreted this dream in a few different ways, but mostly for me it means finding unnoticed potential. Often I can overlook great things in my familiar surroundings. I can also easily overlook great things about myself. It is always good to be reminded about the extraordinary around me.
Stories that catch my attention are those about how people are able to become self sufficient in a sustainable way. People have found creative ways to help. A cooperative in Chicago called Working Bikes sends shipping containers full of bicycles to poor regions of the world where they are used as transportation. They cannot afford cars, but a bike is simple and cheap. It is really cool to hear how people’s lives can be transformed by something as simple as a bicycle. People are able to to get jobs in the next town because they are now able to ride a bike there in a fraction of the time it takes to walk. Others utilize cargo bikes to enhance their business or start new enterprises.
So I am looking for a bike and I can buy one there and help others in the process. I will be there on Wednesday for sure!