That Burning Smell is Me Thinking…

So I am enrolled in a class this summer so I guess you can say I am a student now. I am 20 years older than a typical college freshman, but that is OK with me. I also have orientation next week. Life is changing, and it is cool.

You are never dedicated to something you have complete confidence in. No one is fanatically shouting that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. They know it is going to rise tomorrow. When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious dogmas or goals, it’s always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt.

- Robert M. Pirsig - Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values

Fanatics talk a lot. They want to believe. They want to assure themselves that they are right. They usually don’t let others get a word in edgewise, for fear of hearing an opposing viewpoint.

Robert Pirsig put into words what I have been thinking for a while now. People who talk about their faith all the time don’t really have faith. People who often talk about their idealistic political beliefs are trying to convince themselves.

At a U2 concert 15 years ago, five simple words popped up on the video screen at the end of a song:

“Everything you know is wrong.”

They remained there for several seconds; I let them sink in; I gave in to the possibility that those words may be true. When I start to sound like a fanatic, I remember those words.

Recently, I went to the park and built a small camp fire with my journal. It was a perfect night to do so; cool and slightly breezy. I found a little barbecue grill for my fire and I settled in to enjoy the warmth. It took a while to burn everything because there were many pages and I had to feed it about 3 pages at a time so it wouldn’t get too out of control.

The idea for journal burning was inspired by Jim Morrison, he would periodically burn his journals in order to get a fresh start. I decided to start doing it as I open new chapters of my life. Before the burning begins, I sit down and read each journal. If there is anything worth keeping, I copy it down in the next journal.

This recent journal was the worst one I ever wrote, probably because I was going through a time of tremendous growth. I was resisting growing up, but I knew I had to suffer in order to become the person I want to be. I was glad to see it reduced to ashes.

When I got home I hung out in the lobby for a while, then I went out for a hamburger and returned to my room to watch a TV show. Later I pulled the remnants of the journal out of my bag and noticed my expensive headphones were missing. CRAP!! I remembered that I left them in my bag when I went to the park. I looked around my room and my office and they were nowhere to be found. So I hopped on my bike and rushed down to the park. As I approached the spot I could see the little round black headphone case in the grass. I was relieved to find them, I was not about to let them get away.

I had not planned to return to the spot where I burned the journal, and I didn’t stick around too long because it was starting to sleet. Returning so soon made me think about how I sometimes revisit things too soon, or maybe how I don’t give much thought to my actions. I couldn’t decide which reason was valid so I explored both, but that is the subject for a new journal entry…

Wow, snow is gently falling outside and it is really pretty. I moved to the living room so I can watch it as I type this. It gives me a good feeling to sit here next to the window in my warm house with my cozy PowerBook watching the flakes fall.

In other news, my internal clock is really flipped. I was sick a couple of weeks ago and right after I got sick, I quit my job. I was about to quit anyways, so I decided to quit then because was easier than calling in sick every day and then quitting.

So I stayed in bed for a week. I would get up to try to eat around noon and then go to the office at Belly Acres for a few hours because I was bored from laying around sick all day and night. I think I had a severe cold because I was hurting and sneezy and ran a fever.

So I have been struggling to get my internal back on track, but I am also challenged by my Romanian studies. I try to get up in the morning to study, but usually I end up studying at night and keep going until 3 or 4 in the morning. Then I wake up at 10 or 11 and study a bit more and then eat and go to the office in the afternoons.

Saturday I was struggling to find a place to study, so I decided to go to my favorite local coffee shop and study there. I get there and find a table and after I got settled in, I quickly downed my first cup of coffee. It was nice to enjoy something warm on a cold day (it was 8º outside) so I ordered a refill. I was able to get a lot of work done, I ordered another refill. Then I ordered an apple soda and kept working for a while and I decided to leave around 9.

I got home and I realized I was really wired. While I was working at Neiman Marcus, I would have two cups of coffee in the morning and two in the evening and have no trouble sleeping at night because I had built up a high tolerance for caffeine. When I got sick, I didn’t drink any coffee for over a week and I realize now that besides a diet Pepsi and a cup of coco each day, I haven’t been drinking too many caffeinated beverages. It is amazing how my tolerance fell so quickly.

I was up most of the night and I ended up sleeping all day. Now I am sitting here at 4 am and I haven’t been to bed yet. At least the snow is pretty.

It can be difficult to teach an old dog new tricks. Learning some new sounds and a few extra letters has been slow for me, but I am learning to adapt. I have started to be able to pick words out on Romanian websites. It’s a start.

The language course I am using is written in British English, so I sometimes have to interpret twice! O statie de benzina becomes a petrol station becomes a gas station. O farmacie becomes a chemists becomes a pharmacy. I have no idea what a teacake (prajituri) is and I had to look up paracetamol tablets (antinevralgice) in the dictionary (head pills).

Despite the minor difficulties, I am working my way to a basic understanding of the Romanian language and I hope to be able to basically communicate when I get there with out getting laughed at or beat up.

I had a dream one night about a tree that I passed by everyday. I never really noticed it too much until I saw apples growing on it, then I picked one and bit into it. It was the sweetest apple I have ever had!

I had this dream this past summer when I was in the middle of making some life changing decisions. I have interpreted this dream in a few different ways, but mostly for me it means finding unnoticed potential. Often I can overlook great things in my familiar surroundings. I can also easily overlook great things about myself. It is always good to be reminded about the extraordinary around me.

I am doing my laundry right now. Actually, I am sitting here typing on my laptop while a machine does my laundry for me. If it was 100 years ago, I would actually be doing the laundry and my hands would be too busy to type anything, if I could afford a typewriter. Did typewriters exist in 1907?

Anyways, I have thought about clothes lately because I sometimes take for granted the amazing thrift shop located just a few blocks away from where I live. I buy all kinds of nice clothes for less than $10 a piece. Last Sunday I found a pair of Doc Martens for 8 bucks! The insoles I bought for them cost almost twice as much as the shoes. I had been needing some good work shoes.

I have been looking at the price tags on clothes in certain stores on N. Michigan Avenue and I am shocked that people would pay $700 for what really doesn’t look like more than a half decent athletic jacket. I thought the price tag was going to say something like $300.

A friend of mine said the average African survives on about a dollar a day. Think about it. Instead of paying $700 for a jacket, someone could buy a perfectly nice jacket for $200 maybe $300 and put the rest of the money to better use.

Maybe we should just use the money collected from federal luxury taxes for direct aid to people in desperate poverty?

Stories that catch my attention are those about how people are able to become self sufficient in a sustainable way. People have found creative ways to help. A cooperative in Chicago called Working Bikes sends shipping containers full of bicycles to poor regions of the world where they are used as transportation. They cannot afford cars, but a bike is simple and cheap. It is really cool to hear how people’s lives can be transformed by something as simple as a bicycle. People are able to to get jobs in the next town because they are now able to ride a bike there in a fraction of the time it takes to walk. Others utilize cargo bikes to enhance their business or start new enterprises.

So I am looking for a bike and I can buy one there and help others in the process. I will be there on Wednesday for sure!

God has a plan. Participation in His plan can be fluid. You can opt in for a while and if you opt out, He finds someone else to take your place. It is the idea that we cannot change the future, it will happen and we are powerless to stop it.

Anyways, I decided to opt out 17 years ago. Then my life went on a downward spiral of unhappiness and unfulfilled promise. I noticed that God did what He wanted to without me, the plan moved on. So I opted back in 8 years ago and I have been on an amazing journey since then. I will never be the same.

I recently read a book called “What should I do With My Life” by Po Bronson. It is about people who are discovering who they are and finding their life’s purpose. It is about life stories and what we do at the crossroads. It is about ordinary people doing extraordinary things. Mr Bronson interviewed people from many walks of life and many of them are GenXers but a few are older and younger, there are about 50 people in the book.

The book helped confirm my decision to continue in the direction I am going and also helped me see that all the coincidences that happen in my life are actually divine providence. I am just an ordinary guy doing things that sound amazing, but really I simply decided to not live for myself but to live for others.

Lately I have not felt like doing much. I am looking forward to doing some cool things in the future, but I just don’t feel all that excited about anything right now. Part of the reason is one of those “spiritual dry spells” that I go through now and then. I don’t know what else may be the cause, but I am not too worried about it. I am resting up before setting out on the next leg of my journey beyond JPUSA.

I am going to have to raise more money. Soon I am going to put one of those PayPal donation buttons up where you, dear reader, can donate to me. I am also thinking about what to do work-wise for money. There are some possibilities I am looking at, but I have not pursued anything yet.

I am slowly getting motivated. I was so worried about taking care of the warrant in Texas that everything else was put on the back burner. I guess I am a bit burned out, but also I have a great feeling of relief that is slowly sinking in. As the relief sinks in, the motivation to move forward slowly returns.

I just realized that my move to JPUSA was similar to this in some ways….