That’s a funny question for a 40 year old man to ask himself, but that is what I seem to be asking myself as I look forward to graduating with my associate’s degree this Spring.
I am looking into something that would require a really big life change. I am talking it over with my wife, but right now she seems to be ambivalent about it. We’ll see.
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I have been trying to write a book review for my history class. I was distracted all day and I decided to go to the 24 hour Starbucks in order to minimize the distractions. As I settled into my work, I started feeling queasy. I barely got two paragraphs typed when I felt a dreadful stirring in my gut and a cold sweat developing on my forehead. That could mean only one thing; pack up my stuff and get to the restroom, NOW! I was lucky there was an open restroom, the place was packed. I was barely able to get the door locked when I erupted in the most spectacular Technicolor yawn, I didn’t even have time to put down my backpack! I couldn’t believe my aim was so good, and thank God the seat was already up!
It just kept coming. I was seeing everything I ate that evening, and I was in total disbelief of my condition. I am so glad I had the presence of mind to get to the bathroom when I did. I must have looked like a mad man packing up my stuff in a panic and rushing off to the restroom. In my rush to get to the toilet I dropped my coffee, that I took barely three sips from, in the trash.
I finally regained my composure and went to the register and bought one of their overpriced tins of gum to combat the wretched taste in my mouth. I popped two pieces in my mouth and left quickly. As I was walking down the sidewalk, I first felt like I wasted my time coming all the way down here only to get sick. I started to feel better and decided to duck inside a diner instead of getting on the bus that just pulled up, that’s where I am typing this. After an English muffin and a diet Coke, I feel better. I got another paragraph written and now have a direction for my paper, so the trip was not completely wasted.
Not too much has been going on except classes and studying. I am still settling into the new life.
This weekend I have been struggling with writing a paper on Thomas Jefferson. I finally got an outline and a few paragraphs written. I ended up watching a Ken Burns documentary about Jefferson and the writers block was still there. But after my total Thomas Jefferson immersion and several long walks, I finally have a direction for the paper.
All this for a lousy 2 page paper. I guess the writing process will get faster with time.
I finished my first week of class and it is everything I thought it would be. I am really enjoying school, I fell like I am doing something I should have done a long time ago. I am glad that I really have no other life commitments holding me back. I am able to go full time and completely concentrate on my studies.
It looks like my days as a bike mechanic are over because I injured my right hand. It may be carpal tunnel, arthritis, or tendinitis; I don’t really know, it just hurts and I am adjusting to doing fewer things with my right hand. I have to hold drinks in my left hand now because I will randomly drop things. I also switched the brake levers on my bike, so the left lever is the rear and the right is the front. If it wasn’t for ibuprofen, I would be really unhappy!
I am slowly organizing my room. Since the move, things have been shoved under the dresser and couch and randomly piled into my drawers. It got really bad this week, so I vowed to get organized this weekend. So far it is taking shape, I found a metal box to keep important stuff in and I am getting some shelves put up on the wall.
So, yeah, life sounds boring, but I am really enjoying it. Things are quieter and more orderly, the way I like them.
I have been working 4 days a week, 10 hours a day. I have also been taking a 6 week course at Truman College on my days off. My final grades will be posted Monday, I think, but I know I got an A, so far.
I feel an amazing sense of accomplishment. I really enjoy school and it is giving me a chance to exercise my brain and really work on my writing.
Before I decided to go back to school, I had a dream one night that I was wondering around in a dark neighborhood and I came upon a college. One of the students let me borrow his student ID so I could study in the library. I remember feeling so comfortable with my laptop and a pile of books open on a table in the school library. I woke up and realized that I should consider going back to school.
So my plans to go to Romania didn’t work out. I now see in hindsight that that was a good thing. The people who I would have been working for are going through rough times right now, and the ministry I would have been at now has an uncertain future. I am so glad God has everything under control. If I would have forced it to happen, I probably would have been stuck in an awkward situation.
When I decided to go to school, I wanted to go to Texas. That didn’t work out either. When I decided to stay in Chicago and enroll at Truman, the doors of opportunity flew open. I found a job and I was able enrolled in a class the school was offering for free. I have all my tuition and books paid for next year, and I am moving into a great apartment with some cool people next week.
I knew I had to leave JPUSA. I know my time there was at a close. I had a growing feeling of dissatisfaction with what I was doing there and I couldn’t alleviate the heavy feeling I had; it felt like I had a pressure on my heart all the time. I know now that was just stress from the anxiety I had about going out into an uncertain future.
My faith in Divine Providence has been strengthened. I am more sure of the direction I need to go. The future is still a murky fog, but I know I am exactly where I need to be.